Today is a never ending battle for truth and justice...

Today, I get up and am so weak.

I have to push myself to do anything,,,, i just want to go back to bed.

I pray! LORD knows I've been praying...

at times I think I feel like my old self... but then I go to do something and I get dizzy... and know I'm not back to my old self...

my back hurts... sorta like a inside the lungs kinda ache...

am going outside to sit in the sun...

everyone at work is treating me like I got the plague...

#1 stress in no particular timeframe...

it started with me not being able to type... i'd been a great typist and one day (it was slow and continual) but I would type the wrong letter. oh not like opps I made a mistake... it was like someone moved the keys.

they it was frustrating always going back and correcting.

and then it was walking up to a group of people and opening my mouth to relate something... and nothing would come out... cauze my mind went blank...

not really noticeable to others... cauze I was always a kidder... and a joker...

but it bothered me and made me uncomfortable... so I'd sit at my desk and work (correcting my mistakes so no one would notice).

AND then my right leg started catching on the imaginary bump in the rug... just started dragging behind... ever so slightly. almost no one would notice.... then I was limping and people started to notice... which make me more frustrated...

and I would start to forget to attach an eMail attachment to a contract... ohhh every so often...

Until one day E. come to me and said.... "is everything allright? - you forgot to attach another form - and that is just not like you. you always catch my mistakes!"

So for over 2 1/2 years I was perfect and caught everyone's mistakes and made it right so we didn't look badly... and now I couldn't find my butt with both hands...

Stress is dibilating

I was always SUPERWOMAN.. always taking care of everyone else's life. whether they wanted me in their business... or just taking care of an erroneous charge on a bill... no matter what. I could handle it and make it right...

AND then POW! I couldn't find my butt with both hands.

and it sneaks up on you... slowly like cancer,,, ever so slowly and ever so devastating.

This is my journey...

My heart aches... its an ache Ive never known.,,, its not a hurt that you can rub or one that makes you bleed or one that you say OW !... it's a dull, gnawing, shadow of nothing-ness, of empty-ness...

Its not lonely-ness... it's empty-ness... you eat because it might make you feel better... but it doesn't... you want to get involved in something... but it takes too much effort - and then when it's over - your back to the empty-ness.

I'm looking trying to find the light- the LORD used to be my light... but I can't find HIM...

I know what it is... is the first time Ive felt J-O-Y-L-E-S-S.... there is no joy... anywhere in my life.... I can't find my joy. I feel drained - like my very life is ebbing out of me... I don't want to be with anyone, in fact I find reasons why not to be with them.

I have nothing to LIVE for... nothing to look forward to .... nothing brings me JOY....

At first I thought it was the state of the economy... but I have a job.

I thought it was this lady at work sucking the life out of me....

I've never been depressed - maybe this is it...

You know how they say,,, Give your problems to Jesus, just lay them on HIS lap ... and when you only see one pair of foot prints - it was then that HE carried you...

I want to climb up on HIS lap and have HIM hold me,,, and let me find peace~

...just tell her how lonesome you are... most times she doesn't WANT anyone to come to S-E-E her... but when you get there... she is so happy and it really cheers her up..

i think its because she hates looking how she looks... and being so needy (she calls it being a burden)...

i think the only thing that doesn't hurt is her eyelashes...

and it must be so depressing to be alone... inside her head - this disability is so strange and she must feel like a feak-show...

I know she doesn't DO anything for herself... and I understand that she is in too much pain to do it... I think I would have taken all the pills one night... just to get outa the spiral...

she wakes up and is not gonna feel any better than right then,,, she doesn't want to get up cauze she has nothing to move for,,, nothing to live for,,, doesnt' want to eat cauze it will probably upset her stomach,,, doesn't want to shower cauze what if she can't get outa the tub,,, can't clean her apt cauze she is in so much pain,,, can't do her laundry cauze of the weather and so it piles up... she cant take out the garbage cauze of the weather and so it piles up... ALL SHE DOES HAVE is her doggie and her cats... and her new TV......

heck... if I had her pills here... I'd take all of them... I feel so lost... I can't imagine the imense lonely-ness and scared-ness... and empty-ness...

AND she didn't DO anything to deserve this... she had always worked hard and worked for what she had... never was a bother to anyone, never asked for help....

MAYBE this is what GOD is trying to teach her... but what is HE trying to teach me...
my heart just aches and I want to be there with her...

I'm falling and I can't get up...

OK now it's my turn, I feel like I'm falling, I keep looking back to regain my balance... but I just keep sliding,,,

It started long ago with me disliking kids... it seems that they just don't have any respect for anything - anymore.

Then it was little battles just to get respect, from ComEd just to get our cable to work properly. Then it was Target when I wanted to exchange a toaster. Now it's the constant bickering with my husband. My youngest incessant displeasure with everything I say - without asking what I mean. Thanksgiving was horrendous, with my mom being miserable and angry, hurting my husband's feelings. Christmas has been lack-luster and empty.

I'm sliding down, lower and lower and I'm wondering where the bottom is...

I keep trying to pull myself up... trying to put on a happy face...

When people piss me off or disrespect me - I just say OK, I won't bother with them anymore.

and I slip lower and lower... I feel like an empty shell... like someone's licked all the chocolate off of me... and there is nothing left... no peanut, no sweet inner center... NOTHING.

I keep trying to find 'my joy'... but I'm having trouble just catching my breath...

I can safely go where no one reads...

Well, let me think where things are now... my kids LUCY and ETHEL...

Lucy still quite sick - but weaning herself (with help of her docs) off all meds to see what is cauzing what - so much medication so many reactions. Don't know which is from the disease and what is from the drugs. SMART MOVE!

Ethel is still running around like a chicken without a head - trying to locate the path the LORD has laid out for her...

My soul mate is still a MAN... but is wonderful inspite of that fault. He tries the best he knows how...

I have to remember he is a person and not an extension of me... sometimes I forget that. I think he and I are one person... and forget that he is a feeling human being with his own wants and needs and desires.

Perhaps, I should get my head outa my butt and see life for what it is...

Lately, I've been made aware that it's not all sunshine and rainbows... and that it is actually quite harsh and bleak.

Before Lucy got sick - life was peachy. I prayed and got pretty much what I asked for... although I never wanted for fame and fortune.... but since Lucy moved away and got sick my life has been a roller coaster ride (on a full stomach) with no seat belt.

But this past couple weeks almost broke me... seems like when I pray - no one is listening... I don't get the strength I need from my prayers... maybe I'm asking for too much... maybe the LORD is getting tired of carrying me... maybe I'm just to thick to get what HE is trying to tell me...

I just need a hug... got any ?

Not Spring Cleaning...

OK... so maybe I'm a little frantic...

I'm having multiple family members who have never recognized me in public places coming to my home for my mom's 85th birthday... I've (read HE) have been cleaning, and painting, and hiding stuff and throwing stuff away. I've even been bringing little bags of stuff to work to throw in the big dumpster in the basement... just so HE doesn't see it in the garbage and pull it out and hide it in the garage.

I mean HE is a saver and a horder and is NOT organized about it... and it's driving me cRaZy!

I'm running around in circles and the dogs don't like me moving in on their gig. Poor old HIM... he's so pooped at the end of the day - HE just drops into bed (and I think prays for death to give him a little peace and quiet).

Have you got any hints to relax... before the BIG day? Or maybe I should start DRINKING heavily...

OK... I hit the enter button by mistake

,,, ok so does THAT mean that I'm upside down???

my stomach feel like there are a bunch of munchkins stomping around inside... or a raging gang of butterflies are playing nuclear games in my intestens... i'm kinda on my last wits end... my last nerve...

and in the last month -> probably 5 people (low estimate) have told me to quit worrying about SOMEthing... what are they my boss... if I want to be paranoid and frantic with rapid eye movements and ticks in my shoulders and wild head jerks... let me be ! ! !

Although - you could send me some love and kind thoughts...

am I upside down???

from my heart to GODs ears~

from this day forward...

let what you love - know it...

walk softly - hug deeply - turn the other cheek...

open your heart AND be afraid, be very afraid !

life is what you make it... or is it...

I used to think I had it all together. I thought it was me and the LORD walking the same path... we'd joke and we'd travel together. AND when I get real lonely HE'd come and snuggle with me and I could go to sleep...

But lately,,, the past year and a half... my house of cards came tumbling down... my life as I knew it would not be the same. I was on auto pilot.. just moving from day to day. Looking back, I don't remember much. It's just foggy. I didn't sleep much, worried non stop. I ached with a dull pain that could not be satisfied. I couldn't focus, don't know how I made it through.

OH yes I do... the LORD helped me put one foot in front of the other and my play-pal to keep glue'n things together that were in shambles around me.

The old saying is that once you become a mother you have your heart on the outside of your body. I now understand it. Can't do anything about it.

I prayed,,, and I begged,,, and I promised,,, I got angry,,, and I yelled,,, so now I wait,,, HE is working on HIS time,,, and I wait. Is what I prayed for, begged for, made promises for, got angry for, and yelled for - just too difficult? Am I supposed to be learning something. Am I? Am I just too thick headed to see what I'm supposed to learn.

I'm not in control anymore, was I ever? Its like - I thought I was driving - but it seems that HE is driving and I'm in the back seat, looking out the back window using a paper plate as the steering wheel...

I'm on a roller coaster ride, hanging on till my knuckles are white and numb, with a pillow case over my head.... its moving so fast, sometimes I can't breathe.

and who disguised as Clark Kent fights a never ending battle for truth and justice...

Just Meee~

I've gotten old so quickly. I can't remember when it happened. I was in my 20's and going all the time - no goals, just struggling to make it to the next day. I got married at 25, and it was miserable 7 years, but I had two beautiful daughters. I got divorced at 33, moved back with mom and dad. Once the girls got out of grammer school we moved to our own apartment, somewhere where the girls could get to high school without me worrying.

Some time between living with granny and grampaw and moving to our own apartment - I met the 'playpal' I'd always wanted. And he is most of the time - my rock. He deserves saint-hood, a star named after him, a nobel peace prize for putting up with all of us. He is round and jolly and has the most beautiful blue eyes, and dimples and hairy chest.

I'm just too tired to go on... I'm so scattered tonight. Don't know where to start, what I've said... gotta go for now...

New at this...

I'm very new at bleeding my heart on paper... saying things that I've held in so deeply for so long...

Sorry if I'm scattered, if I'm not organized - but I doubt anyone will read this - so it's just for me to write and clear the massive amount of pain. I'm hoping by putting this down on paper that it will erase some of the thoughts and open up more room to cope.

I don't know what is ahead for us... what our road will look like... only GOD does... and HEs been kinda quiet lately...

Go back...

Perhaps a litle history on #1

She is the world to me... she is a grown woman... but needs me more now that she has become ill. At 30 she became sick with a sinus headache, off work for a couple days... and over a year and a million doctors, and a million blood tests, and a million pills - but no diagnosis - she is worse than she was last March 5, 2008.

She was on short term disability and had work insurance. She went on long term disability and the insurance (Liberty Mutual) has screwed around with investigating and researching her claim and hasn't paid her a penny - and this has been going on since September 2008.

She has appealed and hobbled back and forth getting the paperwork again and again, faxing it again and again - only to be denied. So she is appealing again.

She finally obtained state disability money, it's not a lot but it really helps.

My heart is heavy

Today one told me that even though we have fought for a year to find her diagnosis. Another new doctor thinks he can help. GOD BE WITH HIS HANDS, HEART AND HIS MIND...

The new doctor thinks she has MS.

I'm so scared.

I feel so lost.

I feel let down by GOD.

I just feel empty.

Background

I have two precious daughters. Both so different. One is quiet - the other loud. One is thin - the other rounder. One doesn't believe too much in GOD - the other knows the bible from cover to cover. One is thoughtful - the other is thoughtless. One is so sick, debilitatingly so - the other is healthy and strong. One is my reason for living - the other doesn't even know I'm alive.

I love them both!

One is easy to love - the other is so difficult to love.

This is my journey, starting today...

Eram too

I'm awaken and feel renewed.